


Nightmares and Shadows

by lizibabes



Series: Hurt/Comfort Bingo [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dark fic, Homophobia, M/M, Potentially triggering, Swearing, Violence, sex and some serious angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:08:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the Nightmares square on my H/C Bingo card. Tommy’s always had nightmares, his Mom blame’s all the horror films, but then she doesn’t know that he dream’s of something worse than zombies. After all, Zombies aren’t real, but the Monster in his nightmares is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares and Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.   
> This got a little darker than I expected, but not overly dark. Its hurt/comfort after all.

He’s been having nightmares so long that he can’t even remember when they started. They seem to all blur anyways into one mass of images, half formed pictures in his mind, always bringing with them the remembered feel of cold sweat on skin and his heart beating hard enough to hurt. It’s not like the first matters anyway, there all variations on the same theme. The years don’t change that.

Tommy asked his Mom when he was fifteen why he had nightmares, why he woke up screaming, trying desperately to cling onto the face he only seemed to see behind his eyelids. She blamed his taste in movies, and even went so far as to suggest the violence in heavy metal might be scaring him. He didn’t bring it up with her again after that. He loved his Mom, but she didn’t get it. He loved his music and his movies, they didn’t scare him. Whatever he dreamed about was terrifying and even at fifteen, he had been sure whatever he was afraid of wasn’t some actor with plastic fangs. The monster that lived in his head was real.

Sometimes he went months without dreaming. Once, even a whole year, he kept note of it in some ratty old note book, mainly filled with cords, apart from the back pages. The back pages were all dates and lines marking down the days in between. He never showed any of his friends how he kept track of the nightmares, desperately trying to make some sense of them to work out what triggered them.

He’s almost glad for the insomnia, he would rather be tired than dream, and if he goes long enough without sleep, his brain doesn’t seem to have the energy to dream, to drained, to produce a shadowy figure that makes his hart race worse than any zombie or werewolf ever did. He stays awake and nobody questions it, nobody guesses that he’s afraid of sleep.

Tour is interesting, Tommy was dreading having to explain why he woke up screaming, but he guess the work keeps his mind so occupied that he doesn’t dream. Glamnation became the longest time he has ever been nightmare free. It’s a relief to be able to drop off around his friends without worrying he’ll wake to the concerned stares of the people he loves. He hates that, hates being the reason people worry and he love’s these people like family, he doesn’t want to freak them out with his shit.

It’s fine, until they take a break when they come back. Something’s changed, which is why one night when he couldn’t fight off sleep any longer, Tommy wakes up to the feel of big familiar hands shaking him. For a seconded, he can’t work out who’s screaming. The seconded he realize the nails on a chalk board sound is coming from him, he closes his mouth, then open’s it to gulp in some air. He’s panting like he’s been running and the covers are twisted around his leg’s like that’s exactly what he had been doing.

“Tommy, are you alright? You scared the shit out of me,” Adam says softly. One hand moving up to pet Tommy’s sweat damp hair, the other firm on his equally wet back.

“Nightmare, was just a nightmare. Did I wake you all up?” Tommy asks, trying to look around Adam from were he’s lying in his bunk, but he can’t see anyone.

“Nope, they all slept through it. I was awake; you only started to get loud as I came over. Before, you were just thrashing and moaning and not the sexy kinda moaning.” Adam smile’s and normally Tommy would smile back, its how they work. They keep each other’s spirits high when things get hard, but Tommy feels too raw right now.

“Good. You should go to bed, I’m fine,” Tommy insists.

“Well, that’s bull. You’re pale and sweaty and you have dark circles under your eyes. When was the last time you slept before this? And, why didn’t I notice those bags before?” Adam asks, running a thumb gently under his eye.

He leans in to the contact, willing his heart to slow, but not answering. The bags under his eyes from lack of sleep never make an appearance in the light of day He thinks Adam can work out how they disappear any way. After all, they all wear makeup. Adam knows all the makeup tricks he does to hide dark circles he was the one who taught Tommy half of his makeup knowledge.

“I’ve always had nightmares, ever since I was a little kid,” Tommy sighs finally. Normally he’s good with silence, not so much with Adam though, unless it really is a comfortable one, which this isn’t.

“I bet you were an adorable kid,” Adam say’s it automatically without thinking. He can tell, he sort of likes that, the realness of it.

“Shut up! Anyway, it’s not a big deal,” Tommy mutters, trying for firm, but his hands are still shaking and his heart feels like it’s been shredded, so he thinks he probably misses the mark by a mile.

“Liar, you look haunted and that bothers me, Tommy Joe. Don’t make it worse by lying to me as well. Besides, I’ve never heard you have a nightmare with the bus and the room sharing and you crashing in front of us all. Why hasn’t anyone picked up on it?” Adam gives him a scalp massage the whole time he talks which sort of makes up for the interrogation, but not entirely.

“I haven’t had one on tour, combination of working hard and all the other thoughts left no room for the dream to show up.” Tommy yawned.

“So, what changed?” Adam asks.

“I went home and I dreamed and it was like it was making up for all the months I hadn’t had it. It was bad man, and my Mom came in and she was crying cos’ it really freaked her out. I was so bad and I guess it shook something loose." Tommy sighed, scrubbing his hand roughly over his face only to have Adam grip his wrist and pull his hand down so that he couldn’t hide.

“Glitterbaby, I don’t understand.” Adam frowned.

“I never really remembered the dream before then, but then I remembered and now I can’t forget and I just really wish I could fucking forget.” Tommy admitted. He trusted Adam with his life; maybe he could trust his best friend with this as well.

“Tell me about it?” Adam asks.

“Okay, just… um… get in here first? Please?” Tommy indicates his bunk and then does not look at Adam’s face. He stares at the man’s hands; hands are safe, you can’t see pity in the way a hand moves.

“Scoot over.” It’s hard to get much from his tone or from two words, but Tommy doesn’t think he hears pity, which is good. He feels pathetic enough as it is.

Soon there both squished into the bunk, curled around each other a little to make it work. Tommy takes a moment to enjoy the warmth and the clean fresh scent that’s all Adam and so much better than the sharp scent of fear sweat that’s clinging to him.

He gets as comfortable as he can with one of Adam’s arms around his shoulders and his head resting a little on the other man’s chest. He doesn’t think he can do this eye to eye, but he needs Adam close, needs to be reminded of what’s real in the bunk. Adam holding him, not the darkness he’s been running from.

“I was just a kid like not even in middle school yet, and my Mom was late one day picking me up. Lisa was sick with something. It was stupid, but I got paranoid that my Mom had been in a crash or something so I walked a little looking for sirens.” Tommy said softly remembering so many of the little details of that day that he’s buried up until now. How it had been cold despite the bright sunlight and the horrible churning feeling in his stomach that only got stronger as all the other kids left and his Mom still wasn’t there.

“There were some older boys, and I walked past them. I didn’t realize they were following me till I was a few streets from school. They started saying stuff.” Tommy hesitated. He hadn’t planned on saying stuff, but he didn’t want to say what those boys had said, so silly that five boys had become shadowy figures in his mind for all these years.

“What were they saying Tommy?” Adam asked. He hated that his friend had asked, but so grateful that Adam seemed to get that this was real, not just the product of his fucked up mind and too many bloody movies.

“Look at the faggot, pillow biter, cock sucker.” Tommy mutters, cutting the list short when he hears his friends breath catch. The other names weren’t really important they had all been different words with the same meaning. He hadn’t really known that then, he’d only just about understood what gay meant back then, but he’d known they were mean words. The sort of things his mother told him were wrong to say like curse words.

“Oh, Tommy, I’m sorry. I know how much that shits hurt, I hate that people call you that stuff now because of me.” Adam’s voice sounded rough. He was clearly upset and Tommy hated that. He was right, though, that ever since the AMA performance, he had faced a lot of hatred from homophobes across the land, but he hadn’t cared.

“Don’t be upset. I’m glad you did it and I’m glad I get to fight for expectance with you. Love is beautiful no matter what gender you are, so fuck the haters,” Tommy said firmly.

“Okay, sorry I interrupted, keep going,” Adam requested.

“I walked faster, didn’t realize they had figured out I was lost or that they were herding me. Not till I was trapped out behind the highschool baseball field near to my school, but it felt like a whole different world back then.” Tommy closed his eyes briefly seeing a dusty ground and a chainlink fence like he was standing right there all over again. He opened his eyes quickly trying to blink the images away.

“I was scared, there were five of them and they were high school kids, so they were a lot fucking bigger than me. I mean, I’m was still small.” Defenceless, he thought. He kept the last word to himself till Adam shook him a little.

“No, you’re a strong man. I’m tall, but five older guys would have scared me too, Tommy.” Adam cuddled him closer. He didn’t even try to fight the hold, didn’t want to.

“They kept saying stuff and I tried to run past them, but one of them grabbed me, and shoved me back so hard, that I hit the grounded. It knocked the wind out of me. So, I was having trouble getting up and then someone kicked me. I rolled over, and they kicked me so hard in my chest. I guess I’m lucky my ribs didn’t break. They all laughed when he kicked me, that was funnier than the names and scaring me had been.” Tommy could still hear them laughing, their laughter had made up a part of the dream he had never forgot.

“They all they beat me a little, but I guess they got bored, so the guy who seemed to be in charge suggested a new idea and they all liked it and so I got tied to the fence using fucking gym socks. They threw rocks at me, called me a fag some more, thought it was real funny that I was crying. I couldn’t hide tied like that and I hated that they knew it was getting to me. I couldn’t move away from the rocks, and I ended up pretty cut up.” Tommy broke off; trying to take a deep breath through a throat that was suddenly a lot smaller than it had been before. Adam’s hand was in his hair again, petting through his long dyed blond bangs. It was soothing and made breathing a little easier.

“One of the guys had a marker pen. They ripped open my shirt and wrote Faggot on me. I hated being naked around them, it made me feel even more vulnerable. I thought they’d be finished then, that it would finally be over. But it wasn’t.” Tommy stopped again. He hated this, hated remembering. He wished the memories had stayed gone.

“He got right in my face, kept insulting me while they laughed and I was so pissed. I wanted to shut him up, so I spit in his face, which turned out to be one of the stupidest fucking things I could have done. He started yelling about filthy fags trying to spread AIDS, he was so angry. He punched me in the face a few times till my nose and lip were bleeding, and one of my eyes started to swell shut. I though he was going to kill me,” Tommy admits quietly. He hadn’t even admitted that to himself, not really that it could have went that far.

“Wasn’t stupid, you were so brave to try and fight even though you were outnumbered and hurt,” Adam said and Tommy felt a gentle kiss being pressed to the top of his head. He still wouldn’t meet Adam’s eye though.

“His friends were getting bored, had places to be, so they told him to finish it. I was sure they meant finish me, kill me. He put his hand around my neck, squeezed so tight, I couldn’t breathe. Told me fags deserve to die and burn in hell. When he let go, I was so relived, I sucked in a deep breath and almost choked on it. I was all snotty and shit from crying. They started to leave; the main guy held back a little. He told me that he would be back once his friends were gone to show me real pain. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and slapped me. It really hurt and I felt that my cheek was wet. I guess he’d palmed a razor blade.” The cut had shocked him more than any of the other blows, even though they had probably done more damage and he’d watched the guy walking away, just waiting to be cut again.

“It got dark and I kept thinking that I could see them in every shadow and I was terrified. He said he’d come back and I knew he meant it. I hurt everywhere and I just didn’t have the strength to be strong anymore. My Mom founded me, she’d been looking ever since she got to the school and I wasn’t there. I heard her voice calling, she was worried and mad because she though maybe I’d just gone off with a friend. Then she saw me,” Her voice had gone from that weird mix of pissed and worried to blind panic as she ran to him. She had started crying as she untied him and yelled for help, she’d looked just like that in his room only a few nights ago, it had been what finally brought it all back.

“She got me free; I remember the hospital and cops being told. I was in shock and there were lots of pills. I think they caught them, something about other kids, but it gets fuzzy after the hospital. I think I forgot on purpose, if you can do that to protect myself.” Tommy sighed.

“How badly did they hurt you?” Adam asked gently.

“I missed weeks of school. I never forgot that just why Mom said it was Mumps, but then I got those as a teenager, so I should have figured it out. Didn’t want to, I guess.” Tommy shrugged. The pain was something that had always been a part of the nightmare; he knew it had been bad.

“Your mom pretended it hadn’t happened?” Adam asked.

“I think when I chose to forget, she let me because it was easier for us both. I think what happened is why she freaked about me wearing eyeliner and stuff. I’d been gaybashed before I was old enough to know what the hell I was, she didn’t want it to happen again.” Tommy sighted.

“Fuck, I grab your throat; I kiss you. How can I have not freaked you out? Why does your mom not hate me? I’m a shitty friend.” Adam gasped suddenly.

“Shut up, you’re not, and you touching me never makes me afraid. I feel safe with you, so don’t be stupid. My mom has seen how happy you and the band make me, so again shut up. I lost apart of myself when they hurt me. It made me want to be different even though I didn’t realize why. Being around you made me brave again, gave me back some of what I lost. I’m not scared to wear makeup or to stand up to homophobes and that’s because of you. Seeing you be strong made me better. I think it’s half of why I really stopped having the nightmare for so long.” Tommy had never felt as safe as he had on tour and not just in a physical way, he’d felt like it was okay to be him on tour, to be Tommy. He knew these people wouldn’t judge him, they never did, they just loved him instead.

“I’m glad we make you feel safe enough to be you… your amazing.” Adam hugs him tighter than he has all night, even tighter than at the worst points of his nightmare.

“The way you talk, it’s like you haven’t got it all back… what they took. Are you still afraid of something? I won’t ever let anyone hurt you, Tommy.” Adam promises.

“Perceptive fucker. Yeah, there are parts of me I still make go away. I’m afraid; mainly of how my mom would react. It was always easier to just hide it… safer,” Tommy says as he tries to borrow even closer to Adam. The solid body next to him seems to keep the shadows away.

“You can tell me, I won’t tell anyone a word of this talk. It’ll still be a secret part of you if you’re not ready to be open with it,” Adam says calmly.

“I like boys, just as much as girls, maybe more, and my mom and dad were never homophobic, but they never seemed okay with the idea of their kids being gay. I guess I know why now, they’re scared for us,” Tommy admitted.

Adam’s hand cupped his jaw and he was moved gently, but firmly until he was looking Adam right in those blue eyes after avoiding them so long. He could see a little redness from where he’d cried just a little when Tommy talked, but Adam’s eyes were the same. Still that amazing blue and free of pity, nothing but affection same as always.

“So, I guess they were right… I am gay.” Tommy tried for humour, but he knew he was off.

“It still makes what they did wrong. I hope you know that,” Adam said, tone firm and his hand still lightly touching Tommy’s face.

“I know it was wrong. Even though I forgot the nightmare, I knew the monsters were real. They still are, and I never met anyone who made me want to be brave.” Until Adam, but he didn’t need to share that part.

“If you do promise me you’ll give it a chance, I’ll have your back. I’ll be jealous as hell, but I’ll have your back,” Adam said, leaning his forehead in until they were skin to skin, face to face.

“Why jealous?” Tommy asks.

“Because they get to have you. I had a crush on you from the beginning, Tommy Joe, and every little thing made me fall harder. Like seeing how strong you are tonight, but it’s cool, were friends. I’d never cross your boundaries.” Adam was so close to him, close enough to kiss, but he was keeping that last little gap between them instead of closing it and kissing him.

“What if I wanted to be brave with you? You don’t do straight guys or experiments and I’m not, and it wouldn’t be, but I’m so fucking new at this that I might as well be,” Tommy says in a rush and noticing Adam shiver when his breath ghosts over his lips.

“You mean it? I can have you? I’d teach you everything, Tommy, anything you wanted or needed to learn.” Adam was almost panting and they both moved without discussing it, till they were lying on their sides, Adam holding him, faces still close.

“I mean it, I’ll probably fuck up, but I’ve never wanted someone like I want you. Help me become brave, even when I’m scared.” He didn’t like being venerable or putting his feelings on show. He didn’t even like talking, but Adam was different. He was different when he was with Adam… better.  
Tommy closed the gap. It was time to be brave; he knew Adam wouldn’t hurt him. The seconded he pressed his lips to Adam’s, the other man parted his lips, turning the kiss from chaste to scorching in seconds. Tommy was glad the kiss muffled there moans. He wasn’t ashamed, but this was private. He didn’t want to share it with a bus full of people.

Adam kissed him and tugged at his hair a little playing dirty and getting Tommy so hard he thought he might cum if Adam so much as looked at his dick. He couldn’t help pressing forward searching for friction and groaned when he felt how hard Adam was. He knew his friend was big, anyone who’d seen his show knew, so it wasn’t a surprise that Adam’s hard on was huge. The fact that he was so turned on was what got to Tommy and he couldn’t help thrusting his hips against Adam’s, grinding into him.

“Tonight’s lesson… frottage or dry humping, which you’ve probably already done, but not like this and not with me. I want to get you off just like this and then the next time we’re at a hotel, you’re staying in my room and I’m going to blow you,” Adam said right into his ear, breath moist and voice husky and sexier than any porno. Tommy would deny the whimper he made if anyone asked, but they didn’t. Adam sucked his neck before moving back to his lips. They both moved their hips harder, faster. It was clear neither of them were going to last, and Tommy didn’t care.

He broke the kiss gasping as he felt heat spreading threw his stomach and his balls tightening, he gripped fistfuls of Adam’s T-shirt. Panting as he rubbed himself against Adam, desperate for that one touch that would tip him over the edge and it came in the form of Adam tugging his hair just right at the same time as he rolled his hips hard. Tommy bit down onto Adam’s shoulder hard, trying to muffle the sounds he was making as his cock jerked and hot cum spurted out into his pants. He felt Adam shuddering against him as well. It seemed the rough bite had sent him over the edge which made Tommy doubt that, ‘I'm vanilla’, bullshit.

“That was amazing. I’m keeping you forever. Can I?” Adam asked, snuggling in to his neck.

“You can keep me; I just hope nobody heard us.” Tommy smirked.

“It’s tour, everyone’s learnt to sleep like the dead.” Adam laughed.

“Ummm… true,” Tommy said, cuddling into Adam’s chest ready to sleep.

“We need to clean up and we can sleep in my bed, it’s bigger,” Adam reasoned.

“No, not moving. I’m sleepy… stay here and cuddle me. We’ll be sensible about this tomorrow.” Tommy yawned, clinging onto Adam so that he wouldn’t try and move.

“Fine, we’ll sleep here tonight. I’m so whipped already, but you know it’s only because you’re adorable and I kind of love you,” Adam said quietly cuddling him close.

“Good, I kinda love you, too, so that works,” Tommy said, hiding against Adam’s chest.

He heard the faint chuckle and felt the light kiss on the top of his hair, and felt content enough to ignore the not so pleasant feeling of drying cum. Adam could clearly ignore it to as he fell asleep before Tommy did. He didn’t know if it was being held or if the soft breathing soothed him, or just maybe finally reclaiming that last part of his identity back, but the shadows around his bunk stayed shadows that night. He didn’t dare hope the nightmare was magically gone for good. Love conquers all, and all that shit, but for now, there were no monsters and he could sleep.


End file.
